My life was spiraling out of control, and I was barely hanging on.
After a grueling 3-mile run, I found myself lying on the floor of my bedroom, completely immobilized both physically and mentally. Thoughts of self-doubt and hopelessness crept in, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and lost. It took all my energy just to get up and walk to the bathroom.
But then, a spark of inspiration hit me like a bolt of lightning. I decided in that moment to train for an ultra marathon. The idea filled me with a renewed sense of purpose and drive. I laced up my shoes and headed out for another run, pushing myself harder and faster than before.
However, when I returned home to my partner at the co-op, I found myself back in the same position – face down on the floor, drained of all energy and motivation. It was then that I realized I needed help.
Discovering the Triangle Program
With tears in my eyes, I opened up to my partner about my struggles and expressed the need for assistance. Thankfully, they introduced me to the Triangle Program, a virtual mental health outpatient program tailored specifically for queer individuals in the Boston area. After verifying my insurance coverage, I enrolled in the program a few days later.
Despite having completed previous outpatient programs and multiple hospitalizations for mental health issues, I was hesitant to embark on another journey towards healing. I had convinced myself that I could handle everything on my own. However, I soon realized that this was a battle I couldn’t fight solo.
Embracing Routine and Support
Years earlier, a friend had recommended the book “The Miracle Morning” to me, emphasizing the transformative power of a healthy morning routine. Following the guidance of the book, I transitioned from aimless activities to incorporating meditation, journaling, running, and reading into my daily routine. With the unwavering support of my family and friends, I found the strength to become independent again.
Eventually, as life became more challenging and my stability wavered, I came to terms with the fact that I needed more than just a morning routine to navigate my mental health struggles. This realization led me to seek professional help through the Triangle Program.
Overcoming Stigma and Self-Discovery
During my time in the program, I began to consider the possibility of having bipolar disorder, a diagnosis that I initially resisted due to the negative stigma associated with it. However, as I listened to the stories of others in the program and gained a better understanding of the condition, I developed a sense of compassion and acceptance towards myself.
Through self-reflection, I identified past decisions driven by manic episodes and began to view them through a lens of understanding and humor, rather than shame. Educating myself about rapid-cycling bipolar disorder through online resources and support channels further helped me navigate my journey towards self-acceptance.
Embracing Medication and Stability
Despite previous struggles with psychiatric medications, I eventually decided to follow my psychiatrist’s recommendation and started taking lithium. The impact was immediate and transformative – I found myself more balanced, focused, and able to make informed decisions without the influence of manic impulses.
While medication played a crucial role in my stability, I also implemented various lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, therapy sessions, and prioritizing self-care. By accepting my bipolar disorder and allowing myself grace in the face of daily challenges, I found a sense of peace and stability in my life.
As I continue to navigate life with bipolar disorder, I strive to maintain a sense of balance and self-compassion, knowing that each day brings new opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
